I’m a straight woman in her early thirties dating a straight man in his late twenties. We’ve been together for two years. We kept things casual for the first sixteen months or so. When we had our “define the relationship” talk he agreed to a “no important secrets” policy. The big secret I shared with him: I was engaged for a year, so I have an extremely bitter ex-fiancé out there. (I’m friends with most of my other exes, while he hates all of his exes — which now includes me. You’re right about that being a red flag.)
His big secret: He has a social media account where he posts thirst traps. That by itself would be fine. But my boyfriend accepts money from submissive gay men, sells them his used underwear (!), and uses extremely homophobic and degrading language when he interacts with them in posts that can be read by anyone. He doesn’t have any problem with gay people. He says it’s just a performance. I get it: some people want to be abused. What I don’t get is why he’s doing the abusing. I would understand if he was doing this particular kind of sex work (is it sex work?) if he needed the money or if it turned him on. But he insists it doesn’t turn him on, Dan, and he comes from a lot of money (very wealthy parents), and he has a high-paying job with his family’s company.
So, what is it about, Dan? When I ask why he keeps doing it — it takes a lot of time and effort — he insists he’s only in it for the money. Does he get off on the attention? Is he an exhibitionist? I don’t think this counts as cheating but I can’t help but feel like he’s been lying to himself about why he’s doing this and now he’s lying to me.
Finding I Need Dan’s Outrageous Moral Support
P.S. One nightmare scenario: My brother is gay. He hasn’t met my boyfriend yet, but he’s going to. And then what if — God forbid — my brother winds up stumbling across his alt?
Your boyfriend could be bisexual, FINDOM, but in a very limited way. By which I mean, your boyfriend may get a low-key thrill out of cranking subby guys up and he likes knowing there are men out there huffing on his used underwear while they have a wank. The particular kind of sex work your boyfriend is doing — and, yes, it’s sex work — can be pretty time consuming, so he has to be getting something else out of it. And since he doesn’t need the money, that leaves one other possibility: these interactions are lighting up reward circuits in a remote corner of his brain.
Or maybe it’s the money.
If we’ve learned anything about rich people over the last two decades, FINDOM, it’s that they’re not satisfied with what they already have. Millionaires want to be decamillionaires, decamillionaires want to be billionaires, billionaires want to be trillionaires, etc. (It’s not enough to have a yacht, your yacht has to come with a submarine.) So, the possibility your boyfriend is in it for the money can’t be dismissed out of hand. Just because your boyfriend has a lot —and it sounds like he stands to inherit even more (get that ring, girl) — doesn’t mean your boyfriend couldn’t want even more.
And you know what? So long as the guys paying your boyfriend for his efforts — and his underpants — feel like they’re getting their money’s worth, there’s nothing wrong with what your boyfriend is doing. And given his age and that he didn’t share this with you until you had that DTR convo, it’s entirely possible you’re the first person he’s ever talked to about this kinky side hustle. If he hasn’t thought too deeply about it, he might not have been able to fully articulate why he does this. Telling your boyfriend you don’t have a problem with his side hustle while also telling him you don’t fully understand why he’s doing this could lead to more conversations (and perhaps more introspection on your boyfriend’s part), FINDOM, which may result in you getting an answer out of him someday that makes more sense to you.
P.S. If your boyfriend is only bi for findom, FINDOM, I don’t think there’s anything dishonest about him identifying as straight — to himself, to you, to his clients.
P.P.S. I asked Sunshyne Smile, a bisexual male model who creates a milder form of the content your boyfriend shares online, what he thought your boyfriend was getting out of this. “I myself wouldn’t do it if there was no financial or sexual gain,” Sunshyne replied via email. “I think this woman’s boyfriend is needing a sense of power and control. He wants to feel powerful and dominant and lacks it in his other areas of life and found a place where he can get that sense of power.” I think Sunshyne may be onto something here: your boyfriend essentially works for his wealthy parents, which means he’s never been out from under their control. Finding a little corner of the Internet where he gets to be the boss could hold some appeal.
P.P.P.S. Your gay brother “stumbling across” your boyfriend’s anti-gay-for-pay alt is your nightmare scenario? Really? Because my worst-case-scenario disorder instantly came up with something worse: Seeing a flash of recognition on your brother’s face when you introduce him to your boyfriend… and in that moment realizing there are ten pairs of your boyfriend’s underwear hidden in the back of your brother’s sock drawer.
Forty-year-old cis woman here with a question about rediscovering my submissive sexual identity after experiencing sexual assault. To summarize what happened, during consensual vanilla sex with my now ex, I asked to stop due to discomfort, and he used physical restraint and didn’t stop despite my escalating NO’s and despite me using a safeword which we had previously agreed upon when experimenting with kink. It took me quite a long time after the experience to understand that this was rape: he admitted he made a mistake in the aftermath but also characterized it as partly my responsibility, because I’d previously told him that I want to be dominated, and I hadn’t recently reminded him what our safeword was. (I understand how fucked up these statements are now and what a shitty person he is.)
I am now safe from my perpetrator and thankfully have been able to enjoy vanilla sex with more than one partner since. However, even thinking about experimenting with kink again gives me a big feeling of anxiety in my body — just going as far as sharing my desires with partners feels dangerous and extremely vulnerable in case someone once again uses ‘I thought you wanted to be dominated’ as cover for rape.
The loss of kink feels very profound. Being submissive has been a focal part of my private sexual identity and my fantasies since my very earliest sexual thoughts, and I was only just beginning to experience the joy of exploring this with others before my traumatic experience. I’m having specialist therapy and have begun to explore the kink issue with my therapist who is great, but I wondered if you and your community of listeners might have some suggestions for me too. I’m poly and have at least one trusted partner who knows my background and is up for working on this stuff with me, but no current partners who I was kinky with before the rape, and I’ve sadly had only a handful of positive, safe kink experiences in my life.
Scared Manchester Sub
“The sense of identity loss SMS describes is completely normal — not in spite of her being kinky, but because of it,” said Rena Martine, a lawyer, intimacy coach, and author. “Submission requires a level of trust and vulnerability above and beyond most vanilla sex. Having that trust violated can add an extra layer of betrayal and leave behind a profound sense of mistrust.”
For many years Martine worked as a Deputy District Attorney in Los Angeles, SMS, where she advocated for women who’d survived domestic abuse and assault. In her coaching practice and her book, The Sex You Want, Martine helps women — including survivors — embrace their desires and their sexualities. And for some women, that means finding their way back to their kinks after the kind of violation you experienced.
“There’s a common misconception that therapy is the final stop in healing from sexual assault or abuse,” said Martine. “In my own practice, I’ve seen many clients come to me feeling ‘broken’ because years of talk therapy hadn’t fully helped. And while talk therapy can be invaluable, at some point we also need to introduce opposite action: giving the brain and body new experiences that directly contradict what the trauma taught them.”
Martine thinks you should — slowly and carefully — start exploring those submissive desires again. Once you get a few positive experiences under your belt, SMS, the negative experience you had with your ex won’t loom so large.
“The great news is that SMS already has a trusted partner willing to walk this journey alongside her,” said Martine. “Here, opposite action could mean very gently reintroducing kink into her intimate life, gradually increasing the level of submission in small, intentional steps. For example, she might introduce a set of easily removable Velcro cuffs while her partner is simply in the room. When that feels comfortable, she might ask her partner to be the one to put the cuffs on and remove them.”
And if wearing Velcro cuffs with your new partner goes well, SMS, your partner could symbolically binding you by adding an easily removable clip. If that goes well, you could swap out the Velcro cuffs and carabiners for restraints you can’t release yourself from and padlocks you can’t open on your own. (If bondage isn’t where your submissive desires take you, SMS, identify the relevant baby steps you can take while exploring whatever submission looks like to you.)
“The most important element is that she remains firmly in the director’s chair,” said Martine. “Our brains are always trying to protect us, and they do so based on the evidence we provide them. Think of each of these micro-steps as introducing new evidence that says, ‘You are not going to be sexually abused every time you relinquish control.’”
Follow Rena Martine on Instagram @_rena.martine_. To learn more about her work, visit her website: renamartine.com.
My partner and I used to love Dom/sub roleplay, and I still love being submissive to her. She was unsure of herself many years ago when we first started having sex, so I let her drive, so to speak. We explored together. Watching her confidence blossom over the years has been truly gratifying! But along the way I collected some leather gear that she never fully embraced, and we just don’t use it anymore. (Not all experiments work!) I’d like to re-home these goodies. No toys for intimate areas are involved, just leatherwear, paddles, floggers, and some restraints. Today they just occupy space. It would be a complete waste in my opinion just to throw it all out. But finding a new home for them is another matter. How do I sell or even give any of it away? Is there a reseller’s market? I tried posting to Fetlife, and that didn’t work. Surely some of your listeners might enjoy having it. In any case, what suggestions from you or your fans on giving this stuff away?
Seeking To Unload Fetish Finds
Quality leather/kink gear — leatherwear, leather paddles, leather restraints — can be really fucking expensive, STUFF, which is why the online kink discourse occasionally takes up issues of class and privilege. (“Leather was never supposed to be a costume contest for people with disposable income,” kink educator Michael Integritas said in an Instagram Reel that went kink viral.) Worries about being shamed for not owning the “right” gear or “enough” gear keep some people away from fetish events where they might connect with other kinksters.
Which is why I love to see kinksters giving away gear they no longer need (because they’ve acquired new gear or because some piece of gear didn’t spark joy) instead of tossing it in a landfill. Since giving things away on FetLife didn’t work, STUFF, you could try creating an account at SecondSkin.co, a website where people sell their used gear.
Giving something away for free can instill doubts about quality or condition, STUFF, so you might have more luck if you charged a little something for your gear while emphasizing (in the listing) that you’re primarily interested in rehoming these pieces. (People on SecondSkin: Don’t be greedy and charge more for your used gear than it costs new! People buying used gear are looking for bargains! And they can easily find the retail prices for the gear you’re selling!) Or if you’re feeling really brave and you’re committed to giving your old gear away at no charge, STUFF, you could join your local “Buy Nothing” group on Facebook. It would mean outing yourself to your neighbors and putting your gear on your front porch for some lucky/local pervert to come and pick up — so, not something you’ll wanna do if you’re worried about your neighbors finding out.
Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]!
Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!
Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love
