1. I’m a bisexual man who’s new to Seattle. I was just invited to my first sex party by some new friends. The problem: I’m training to be a teacher and my therapist thinks this could be problematic for my career. I am now considering backing out to the party and stopping all related activities. My question: How far do you think this adjustment should go? Should I embrace priestly behavior or say “fuck it” and live my life?
Teachers are held to a double standard. While teachers, like other people, are allowed to have sex lives, we expect teachers to keep all proof that they’ve ever had, might ever have, or might ever want to have sex off the internet. That’s an impossible standard for modern adults to meet, given that most relationships get their start online. Still, so long as your online presence is PG13 — so long as your new Seattle friends aren’t planning to livestream this sex party — you’ll be fine… probably?
P.S. With apologies to Inigo Montoya: You used the expression “priestly behavior.” I do think it conveys what you think it conveys.
P.P.S. This letter writer hasn’t been in Seattle long and he’s already invited to his first sex party — looks like the Seattle Freeze is dead, huh?
2. Should oral be included when adding up your body count? I say no (straight man), wife (straight woman) says yes.
So, you walk into your living room and your wife is on her knees sucking your best friend’s dick. Is your wife cheating on you? If you can honestly answer that question with a “no,” then you don’t have to include oral-only encounters in your body count.
3. The reelection of Donald Trump, the Pelicot horrors, and now the Cornell gang rape — how the fuck am I supposed to fuck men anymore? A threesome with two men is my ultimate fantasy and now it feels like I can never take the risk. If homosexuality was a choice, I’d choose it. What is a straight woman to do?
While they’re not all Trumps, Pelicots, or Cornell frat boys, for your own safety you have to assume that any man you’re interacting with — sexually or otherwise — could be a Trump, etc., until you’re as certain as you can be that he’s not a Trump, etc. (“Not all men, but always a man.”) And if you do decide to have that threesome, do it with a friend of yours, not a friend of his, and do it sober.
P.S. My heart goes out to all the survivors of rape and sexual violence out there who are having to slog through another news cycle like this — it’s awful. If you need to check out from the news or men or both right now, don’t hesitate to do it. But please check back in for the midterms, if only to ruin this adjudicated rapist’s day.
4. I’m a straight and I love pegging my boyfriend. I don’t think it makes him any less straight. My girlfriends disagree.
Your girlfriends don’t get a vote.
P.S. I hope your boyfriend enjoys it too.
5. Long-time listener! A few months back, over the course of several shows, you casually used the word “dint.” This is a very uncommon and rare word usage in the United States — and yet you’ve used it at least twice in less than a month. I learned the word in the Episcopal church choir many decades ago, but rarely any other time. Can you tell me how it became part of your vernacular this year?
I don’t know when that particular four-letter first entered my vocabulary, but it wasn’t this year. This is from a column I wrote more fifteen years ago: “A gay male football fan who says, ‘Sorry, lady, I’m gay,’ is going to be believed because no one is secretly straight —and some gay men are going to find him more attractive by dint of how straight he seems.” And I go on to use “dint” again in the very next sentence.
P.S. Em dashes are being cited everywhere as evidence that a writer is using AI. That column from fifteen years ago has eleven em dashes in it, and I have emails going back thirty years from editors begging me to use fewer em dashes! If the chatbots scraped my content, their use of em dashes might be my fault. So, to any “writers” out there who’ve gotten busted for em dashes suddenly appearing in their writing three years ago… sorry, not sorry?
6. I’m a happily married woman with four children, married over fifteen years. We have a very healthy sex life. My husband goes down on me every time before we have sex, which his great, but I want him to toss my salad. I want to experience this is at least once but I don’t know how to broach the topic. He joked about it once and I said “you could do that” and he looked shocked and said “it sounds like you actually want me to.” I obviously should’ve said “yes, I actually want you to” but I was afraid he thought it was gross. How can I get my husband to want to do this? Even better, how can I make him think it was his idea?
There are no magic words — there’s no spell that will make your husband bring up eating your ass again, there’s no potion that will make him think eating your ass was his idea — which means you’re gonna have to use your regular, non-magical words and do the regular, non-magical thing of asking for what you want. That’s how the magic happens.
P.S. So, I have a friend who’s into piss. He told his boyfriend he “stumbled over” some “freaky piss porn” on social media and his boyfriend nodded and said, yeah, guys into piss are freaks. Ten years later, my friend and his by now ex-boyfriend ran into each other at a piss party. That’s how they found out— too late — that they were both into piss. Anyway, my friend made a common mistake: he brought up his niche sexual interest but framed it negatively so that he could deny interest if his partner reacted with disgust. Which his partner did — but his partner wasn’t actually disgusted by piss, he was just mirroring my friend’s negatively.
It’s possible the same might’ve happened when your husband brought up tossing your salad — just with an incredulous/joking frame, instead of a negative one. My advice: don’t ask your husband if he was joking when he brought up tossing your salad because he might say he was even if he wasn’t. Instead, tell him you weren’t joking when you said you wanted him to do it.
P.P.S. That was a really long P.S., wasn’t it?
7. You once told readers where to send their unwanted dildos. I got two new ones and have one old one that I want to get rid of. Where should I send them in 2026?
We live in a target-rich environment where old dildos are concerned — so, the first billionaire, federal agency, or rightwing news site that came to mind is probably the right one.
8. My husband quit smoking ten years ago. He recently started again and tried to hide it from me. This has me wondering what else is he might be hiding. He started doing different things in bed. Good things, things I enjoy, but different. Do I just enjoy the change or do I assume that he’s learned these new tricks from someone else and he’s keeping an affair from me too?
If the possibility that your husband is cheating doesn’t bother you — if you’re possibly toly — and if you’re enjoying the new tricks (who wouldn’t?) and can tolerate the smoking (I couldn’t), you don’t have to choose between enjoying the change and continuing to turn a blind eye to the affair your husband may (or may not!) be having.
9. How was your Folsom? Did you go?
My Folsom wasn’t because I didn’t — maybe next year!
10. My husband has always wanted to watch me have sex with another man and I’ve come around on the idea but I’m worried about catching feeling for someone, which I do pretty easily when I’m fucking someone. Game it out for me?
Even if you can’t control for catching feelings — even if you’ve caught feelings for every man you’ve ever fucked — you can control for being able to do anything about those feelings. So, while you’ll obviously want the other guy to be someone you feel safe with and find attractive… and while you’ll need him to be a guy who’s into the idea of fucking a woman in front of her husband… you don’t have to go with someone local and available. Get on Feeld and find a bull who’s happily married himself and/or lives far the fuck away. Then even if you were to catch feelings during your first fuck, he’s not going to leave his wife to be with you (probably) and/or move to the city where you live (most likely) to be closer to you.
11. Forgive me if you’ve already thought of this, but would the opposite of a DADT arrangement — “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” — be a DTDT arrangement? DTDT: “Do Tell! Do Tell!”
Love it! Welcome to the lexicon, DTDT!
12. I’m attracted to a friend of my husband. Like, dripping wet attracted. Feral and chemical. Never going to act on it, have a great sex life with my husband, we are monogamous. Nothing is ever going to happen. I can keep this to myself, right?
Keep it to yourself unless your husband is DTDT. But you’re free to get wet around this guy, excuse yourself from a dinner party to masturbate about this guy, and to think about this guy while you’re fucking your husband.
13. I’m a lesbian and my girlfriend of a six months is married to a man. They had kids before my girlfriend realized she was gay. They made a “joint decision” three months ago to stay married and live under one roof until their kids are out of high school. (I put “joint” in quotes because I was not consulted.) They still share a bed, although they do not have sex, and their youngest won’t be out of high school until 2035. I find this unacceptable. My girlfriend’s relationship with her ex is amicable while ours is increasingly characterized by conflict due to a “joint decision” I was excluded from. This is crazy, right?
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