1. Those studies that conclude sex results in a certain outcome — like regular sex decreases prostate problems — what kind of sex are they referring to? Anal? Oral? Masturbation? Does the person have to orgasm?
High-quality studies have found a link between frequency of climax and risk of prostate cancer in men —but those studies don’t reference (or recommend) any particular form of sex, just that guys do whatever it takes (consensually) to get off: PIV, PIB, PIT, mutual or solo masturbation, etc. Other studies have found links between sex and better mental health outcomes, as sex reduces stress and floods the body with good/happy/horny hormones. Some of those benefits require climax, but others come with skin-to-skin contact and simple human connection. So, define sex broadly, have lots, live forever.
2. My husband has started shaving his pubic hair, and I hate it.
Thoughts and prayers.
3. Cock rings on cocks: behind the balls or in front of them? Socks in porn: yay or nay?
Cock rings on cocks (as opposed to Christmas trees?): behind the balls. The fit of a cock ring should be snug but not tight — unless you wanna wind up in an emergency room having it removed for you — and if a guy wears a snug-but-not-tight cock ring only around his shaft (in front of his balls), that cock ring is unlikely to stay put. Once it’s wet, the ring could slide up and off his shaft; it could also grind uncomfortably against his partner’s holes and/or knock out their teeth.
I’m agnostic on socks in porn, as I’m neither a sock fetishist (so, not yay) nor a foot fetishist (so, not nay). But if you’re not into feet and you find yourself looking at the feet of the porn performers… you should probably click on something else.
P.S. There’s no proof wearing socks during sex ups your chances of having an orgasm — unless you’re a sock fetishist, of course, in which case it ups your odds considerably.
4. I’m a gay man in an open relationship, and my boyfriend wants to know every detail of my hookups. But what am I supposed to say when he asks if the other guy was hotter than him?
Depends on what your boyfriend wants to hear. If he’s a bit of a cuck, he might wanna hear the other guy was hotter, had a bigger dick, was better at sex, etc. If he’s not a cuck — not even a little — he probably doesn’t wanna hear the other guy was hotter, etc., even if he knows it’s statistically impossible for every other guy you fuck to be less hot than he is. So, figure out what it is he wants to hear — does he want to be teased or does he need to be reassured — and proceed accordingly.
5. I’m a bisexual woman in my first relationship with a man after a decade of dating women exclusively. We’ve been seeing each other exclusively for three months. He’s great, the sex is great, but I already miss women.
Bisexuals are — say it with me — just as capable of honoring monogamous commitments as heterosexuals and homosexuals! But if you’ve been dating a man for ten minutes and you already miss women and/or pussy so much you’re writing to me about it, you shouldn’t be making monogamous commitments. Luckily for you, straight guys are way more open to dating bisexuals than straight women are. So, tell him!
6. My cis male partner can only come if he’s lying on his back. Is there any way for him to “un-learn” that?
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Right now, you don’t know whether you have to accept this thing about your partner or if you can change it — and only an attempt will reveal the difference. Here’s what the attempt looks like: He’s not allowed to come on his back — not even when he’s alone — for the next three to six months. He comes on his feet, on his knees, on top, etc., or he doesn’t come at all. If he can’t come in any other position in that time, then you will have to serenely accept that his dick isn’t going to change.
7. Any kinks that should only exist in the mind for health reasons or reasons of danger?
Triple penetration (of one hole) sounds pretty dangerous. Choking is dangerous, of course, as is getting fucked by a horse. Being inserted into the vagina of a fifty-foot-tall woman and used as a dildo, which some men fantasize about, would be extremely dangerous, as there’s not much oxygen in there, and her orgasmic contractions — if that giantess gets off from vaginal penetration alone — would very likely break every bone in her human dildo’s body.
8. How to get over a lifelong crush?
By reminding yourself that your crush is only perfect in every possible way because the fantasy will never be tested against the reality of your crush blowing up the toilet and walking away.
P.S. If you’re capable of having a crush on this person, you’re capable of having a crush on someone else. If you’ve never had a crush on someone else… yeah, that’s something to explore with a therapist. Because after a few years, never moving on — never allowing yourself to move on — looks more like a choice and less like fate. So, why are you choosing this? Discuss.
P.P.S. Carrying a torch for someone is fine — I’m still carrying a torch for my first college boyfriend (RIP Tommy Ladd), but my love for Tommy didn’t interfere with my ability to love others.
9. PrEP and Doxy: Just for gay men or should I, as a slutty polyam woman, be asking my doc to prescribe these drugs to me?
Those meds are recommended for gay and bi men because gay and bi men — on average —have more sex partners than straight people do and are consequently at greater risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections — but those drugs are also appropriate for women who are above average. Talk to your doc!
10. What are the Locktober risks?
Going without ejaculating one month out of the year probably won’t significantly increase your odds of developing prostate cancer — and while I’ve met plenty of guys who wear cock cages for weeks or months at a time whose dicks work just fine (ask me how I know), urologists I’ve spoken to over the years (Dr. Stephen King, Dr. Ashley Winter) have recommended against wearing cock cages at night to prevent erectile tissue from being damaged by pesky nocturnal erections.
11. My wife and I have been monogamous for twenty years, and now she wants to open our marriage. I was never against the idea, but I suspect she already has someone in mind and that feels like a betrayal.
A monogamously married person rarely asks a spouse to open up their marriage without someone else in mind — that question is almost never a purely hypothetical thought experiment. But since she’s asking first, she hasn’t betrayed you.
12. My husband has a foot fetish. It does literally nothing for me when he licks and sucks my feet. Do I have to keep letting him do this? Do I have to keep pretending to enjoy “foot nights”?
P.S. Is your husband — the man you love — worth indulging? I would hope so. (I would also hope that he indulges you.) The bar for GGG is so low here: once in a while, you let him go to town on your feet. That bar is so low it’s in hell, as the kids say.
P.P.S. Foot fetishes often come bundled with humiliation/degradation kinks — so, your husband might enjoy foot nights more if you made it clear that you were bored. And if he’s enjoying them more, they might finish faster.
P.P.P.S. You ask if you should have to “keep pretending” to enjoy foot play… which suggests you were willing to pretend before he married you. Hmm.
13. How do I keep someone hard longer? Cock ring doesn’t work.
If you haven’t already given him permission to stroke his own cock as needed during sex — some people have a hangup about doing that — you might wanna give him the okay. Also, tit clamps.
14. I’m a 44-year-old woman who’s single for the first time in 22 years. Is EVERYONE kinky and into BDSM now?!? Or am I just a lucky kink magnet?!?
Not everyone is into BDSM — so, you’re just lucky. That said, you might’ve fucked people when you were in your early twenties who were into BDSM but hadn’t found the courage to ask for what they wanted yet. Now they’re older, now they are.
15. It makes my girlfriend angry when I jack off. I need to come every day and I don’t pressure her for sex (or “masturbatory assists,” to use one of your phrases), and we have sex once or twice a week at most. The last time she caught me, she accused me of being a sex addict. What should I do here? Lie?
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