Summer Sweet not your vibe? Check out Boozy Summer Savory instead.
I’ve never drunk alcohol. I heard a Minor Threat song when I was 14 and swore off booze right then and there. But few things are more pathetic than a 46-year-old identifying as straight edge.
Thankfully, booze-free cocktails are getting increasingly popular, and non-drinkers are no longer relegated to a life of Italian Sodas served in collectible glasses. But as someone who never developed a taste for dirt or wood or whatever bourbon is supposed to be, I find so many high-end non-alcoholic options to be, frankly, disgusting.
Tickle your sweet tooth and try something that doesn’t replicate the bite or burn of booze. You might find you don’t miss it.
Not Today Satan at Lady Jaye
West Seattle
Lady Jaye’s list of more than 300 spirits will impress even the snootiest liquor enthusiast, but they also have a nice, small N/A menu. The Not Today Satan tastes like an elevated ice cream sundae—fruity, nutty, creamy, refreshing—with herbaceous Wilderton Lustre, raspberry cordial, pistachio orgeat, and a pinch of lime and mint that pushes it into dreamy summer drink territory.
Colada on the Rocks at Bongos
Green Lake
Bongos is 75 percent patio, and a portion of their seating is FILLED WITH SAND. Their alcohol-free Colada on the Rocks is topped with a slice of dried pineapple, toasted coconut, and a cherry. It’s essentially a sippable slice of hummingbird cake. (Which they also sell.) Pair it with an order of salty tostones with a side of garlicky cilantro aioli and sip, dip, bite, and repeat as you watch the sun go down. Beware the kids in the sandbox, though—nothing shatters the tropical daydream like getting cracked in the shin with a flailing pail.
Anything at Good Bar
Pioneer Square
I like Good Bar for their tiered cocktail menu, which offers full-proof, light-proof, and no-proof options. And it’s also a real-deal bar. No pail-flailing kids allowed. Their no-proof menu rotates, but I’ve yet to have a bad drink there. Their current menu reads like a pastry menu: hibiscus pink peppercorn syrup, coffee demerara, and strawberry shrub. Good Bar gets very bonus points for serving their N/A offerings in drinkware that doesn’t scream THIS DRINK IS ACTUALLY FOR CHILDREN!!!!!
A Diet Coke With Extra Cherries
Everywhere
You scoff, but hear me out. If you’re at a high-end cocktail bar, they’re gonna have high-end cocktail cherries. Not the generic bleached-and-dyed maraschinos from the ’80s. I’m talking Amarena Fabbri, Luxardo, shit that costs $25 a jar on sale. And in my experience, if you ask for extra cherries nicely (and are with drinkers happily dropping $15-plus on a single cocktail) bartenders will happily load up a frosty Diet Coke with several dollars worth of those sweet, sticky orbs.
A Malted Creamsicle Milkshake
Phinney Ridge
“Megan, a milkshake isn’t a mocktail.” Oh, really? What’s a mocktail? A blend of ingredients designed to provide refreshing pleasure without alcohol? That’s a milkshake, baby! And when I got to Red Mill on Phinney Ridge, I skip the line at RidgeWood Bottle & Tap and pair my burger with a pint of a different flavor. Lately I’ve been real into malted creamsicle—sunshine in a cup!—but I reserve my right to go for peanut butter and jelly when the mood strikes.
