I’m a 22-year-old male and still a virgin. I’m quite anxious about entering the dating scene because the vast majority of women my age have a lot more sexual and romantic experience and they will see my inexperience as a red flag. I also grew up with a mild case of high-functioning autism, so social stuff can be hard for me but I’m actively improving. I’m also living in a very rural area and most women my age have kids already, which adds to my feelings of being out of sync and undesirable. I have dealt with low self-esteem most of my life. Be honest with me: What do the majority of experienced women my age in the United States feel about 22-year-old men who are virgins? Am I a huge disadvantage here? How do I talk about this with a potential partner? Any advice would be appreciated.
True Beginner Distress
Your inexperience isn’t the enormous disadvantage you imagine it to be — read a newspaper — but even if it were a disadvantage, TBD, everybody’s got disadvantages: short guys, bald guys, bi guys, old guys, guys who are living in their parents’ basements. But telling yourself that no one could possibly want you because you’re short, bald, bi, etc., is the biggest disadvantage of all because it stops you from trying.
Zooming out for a second: The Kinsey Institute recently surveyed — in partnership with Playboy — thousands of young people between the ages of 18 and 29. (I discussed the results of the survey with the Kinsey Institute’s Dr. Justin Garcia on the Lovecast.) They found that fully 19% of Gen Z were virgins, TBD, with women in your age group being just as likely to report being virgins as men. Which means there are plenty of women out there close to your age, TBD, who are just as inexperienced as you are. And some of them feel just as insecure about being inexperienced as you do — they send me letters too —and while some of them might prefer an experienced partner for their first time, many would be more comfortable with someone who’s just as inexperienced. (Somebody needs to build a dating app for inexperienced people who wanna meet other inexperienced people and get laid. Call it Startr. And somebody needs to build a dating app for inexperienced people who just wanna sit at home and complain about it. Call it Martr.)
But you shouldn’t assume that experienced women couldn’t possibly be interested in you. Yes, some experienced women will pass — some of those single moms in your area won’t wanna be your first — but some won’t care and others might like the idea of breaking you in. And assuming you have other interests, ambitions, and hobbies that make you a fun hang, women who would’ve preferred an experienced partner might be willing to give your inexperienced ass a chance.
So, buck the fuck up, dude, and put yourself out there. Get on the apps, TBD, set a wide radius, and let the women you match with know you’re willing to meet for a low-stakes vibe check — just a cup of coffee — even if it means a long drive. And get the fuck out of the house: go places, do things, meet people. Find a coffee shop or bar you like and become a regular. Join a gym and go at the same time every damn day. Find a non-profit organization in your area that’s doing something you support and volunteer. You live in the boonies: Is there a local organization out there planting trees or restoring wetlands? Grab a shovel. Even if everyone you meet planting trees is a dude, one or two of those dudes might have sisters. Or you might find yourself invited to a house party thrown by one of those dudes who — gasp — also invited friends who happen to be women. (Added perk: The more people you interact with regularly, the better you’ll get at reading social cues.)
And if you meet a girl on the apps or at a party — or when you’re out there planting trees —don’t be shy about telling her you’re new to dating and completely inexperienced with sex, TBD, because 1. that’s the truth and 2. there’s a very good chance she is, too. (Lying to someone about your experience is a red flag, being honest about your inexperience is a green flag.) If things progress and sex is on the table (or bed our couch or floor), say this to her before your clothes come off: “This is my first time — which you know, because I already told you I’m inexperienced. So, let’s go slow. Tell me what you like, tell me if I’m doing something wrong, and I’ll do the same. Deal?” And if you’re doing it at your place, make sure there are fresh sheets on your bed — and that your bed is made — and that your house is clean, TBD, especially your bathroom, and use a condom.
A lot of guys your age don’t leave the house — they don’t go places, they don’t do things, they don’t meet people — and then wonder why they’re lonely and not getting fucked. Just being the kind of guy who goes places and does things is going to give you an advantage. But don’t make the mistake of going one place, one time, and then telling yourself it was a waste because you didn’t meet someone that first time you went to the gym or planted a tree. Keep going places, keep doing things, keep meeting people.
P.S. If there really aren’t any women — single and/or childless — for a hundred miles around, TBD, consider moving to a more densely populated area if you can swing it financially.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are good. Amazing sex, we have fun together, and we agree on the important stuff. I have trust issues, to put it mildly, but I’m trying to do better. He has never given me any reason to doubt that he is faithful. Tonight we made out and I detected… an odor. I don’t know what possessed me, but I accused him of smelling like he had been eating pussy. He was shocked, assured me that he hadn’t, and said he was sad that I would even think that. He is considering ending things over this. I don’t blame him. He doesn’t deserve to deal with my fucked-up shit. I made an appointment with my therapist. What else can I do? I don’t want to lose this relationship. Also, on my way home I came to the realization that what I smelled was probably my own saliva on his face.
Green Eyed Monster
If your boyfriend had written in, GEM, I would’ve advised him to dump your ass — as much for your own sake as his.
While everyone experiences jealousy, and while assuaging a partner’s reasonable insecurities is part of the whole relationship deal, irrationally jealous people — scary jealous people — usually don’t do the work, i.e., they usually don’t get their asses into therapy, until after their jealous bullshit costs them someone they really cared about. I once dumped a guy I loved because he flew into rages when waiters smiled at me, something I had no control over, and constantly accused me of cheating on him. When he tearfully confessed that he had cheated on me — it’s always the jealous types who cheat first — he was angry that I wasn’t as angry as he thought I should be. (So, he cheated on me, but I was in trouble.) After I left him, he finally got into therapy and worked through his shit. Years later, my ex reached out to thank me for dumping him because that was the wakeup call he needed.
Now, I may be reading too much into “I don’t know what possessed me,” but my jealous ex would say the exact same thing after flying into one of his terrifying rages. You also say you have trust issues (“to put it mildly”), which is another thing my jealous ex would say after one of his rages. The problem was, he believed that his trust issues were mine to manage. (It was my job to let waiters know — using my powers of telepathy — not to smile at me?) So, my reading of your letter may be off, GEM, and you may have accused your boyfriend of having eaten someone else’s pussy moments before making out with you in a reasonable tone of voice, but given that your boyfriend is thinking about dumping you, my money is on you lost your shit and blew up at him the way my ex used to blow up at me.
Anyway, I can’t tell your boyfriend to dump you, GEM, because he didn’t write in asking for my advice. You asked for my advice and I can’t tell you to dump yourself. So, I’ll tell you this: Assuming your boyfriend doesn’t read this and dump you, you need to apologize to him profusely, GEM, without “centering yourself,” as the restorative justice kids say. (My ex’s apologies — abject and weepy and self-lacerating — were almost as bad as the rages themselves, because I would wind up having to comfort him.) You can, of course, talk about trust issues — you can’t avoid talking about them — but you have to make it clear to your boyfriend that your trust issues are your problem to solve, not his to manage, and that you will be working on them in therapy. Good luck.
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