Big news, everyone: time is cancelled. Mariah Carey says so. “I don’t allow it – it just doesn’t happen,” the diva delle dive told Harper’s Bazaar. “I don’t know time. I don’t know numbers. I do not acknowledge time.” Carey made this proclamation in response to a question about how she deals with ageing while wearing “white Fendi pyjamas over a plunging black bra, with six-inch Gianvito Rossi heels”, which is exactly how I want my supreme planetary dictator to dress.

Carey is famous for cancelling stuff – stairs (won’t do them), J-Lo (doesn’t know her), James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke (refused to sing) and overhead lighting (no) – but this